21 December 2011

Choices... Wether Good or Bad

There are times you have to be careful with what you do. At other times you have to simply jump and trust. Whatever it is, you make a choice. Once in a while the wrong one. But everything is better than not making a choice unless you are totally indifferent to the outcome.

Today I followed up on a choice I made a little while back and... I feel like singing now. But let's not go there just yet. First I made a wrong choice too, a choice that got me some discipline I had not expected but is really not that strange considering that I'm Mistress' sub.

We were in a real nice mood yesterday, looking at how to build up our new home. Shopping (yay!) for things we want there. Mistress was the first to tp me in. Something from the past that we often did to each other like that, was to rp the other into water, making the other more wet than she might be at that time. And yes, this time it was my turn. I rezzed at my new place and was immediately dropped from a bridge, landing in the ocean. To top it off I heard Mistress: "Oops".

As I said before... It's a game we played numerous times before and sooner or later it would be my turn too. That chance came maybe half an hour later when I tp-ed Mistress to the same spot and of course I made the choice  of even with Her. I might have gotten away with dropping Miss in the sea if I would have made a quick joke about it and apologised immediately. Instead I couldn't help myself and came with a triumphantly: "Oooppps".

15 minutes later I was kneeling with my arms behind my back, securely locked in an armbinder, gagged in a way that makes me sound gibberish and on my way to a busy sim. I was tied up in the middle against a fountain and asked if I really thought I would get away with that. Well... obviously at that time I didn't think it anymore. It shows that Mistress is determined to keep me down more than before. Something we are both not used to yet as Mistress admits that it is harder to Domme me, her love, than an outsider.

I can only say that being her sub does not have to be in the way of being her love and vice versa. Do I love Mistress any less then before? NO way! Mistress has new borders for me that I should not cross and she takes the time to explain me and teach me those. I did not expect this to happen, not at all. But... It's Mistress' choice to teach and discipline me as she feels is right. It only makes me feel loved more.

It seems strange but it seemed to be the perfect moment to follow up on a choice I made a few days before: Wanting to ask Miss to partner me again after well over 2 years! So from my kneeling position, my eyes sparkling, I asked Mistress through my gag if: "Fhe wouldf pleafe accepf me af her wife anf parfner, nexf fo beinf fub and ownef by her".

The timing was perfect for me as:
- I wanted to ask Mistress this soon anyway;
- It shows her all too well that I will love her even if she disciplines me.

Her reaction that still makes me want to sing:
I accept!
*smiles at you with love in her eyes: "You can be such a sweet girl... and yes, I accept this proposal... because I love you, Kylara. So much, you crazy girl"... *kisses both your cheeks*

Sometimes I'm able to make the right choice!


19 December 2011

Things Settle Slowly

What a chaotic week I've had!

I entered my capsule, fell in love with my previous/present Mistress again, left the capsule last Tuesday as a free girl only to be taken back by Mistress again. And that all to give me the optimal chance to be happy.

Did I immediately feel that way then? No, not at all! Sure, I can not help loving MsMinihai but as well she as I gave up a lot to get back into each other's arms again. So the first few days were spent in a mix of relieve, warm feelings for Mistress and fear that I might lose good friends.

That fear, even if I was told by MsDio that she would try to fight for that friendship too, does not seem unfounded. What do we still have in common that we can talk about and do? At the moment talking with her about my new life is for sure not causing the warmest feelings inside her. Something I can understand very well. Talking about her life is about the same as I was planned to be part of that. She used to have control over me and now I'm gone, so... playing with her and her family is not possible anymore either. I'm owned by MsMinihai and would not do this behind her back for sure. Besides that... MsDio would not touch someone else's property either.

So is there still a base left to (re)build friendship on? I would like to say yes and surely hope that after a while we will find our way back to the friendly feelings we had before I even considered becoming MsDio's girl.

Then there's also the other side. Mistress got back to me and also left someone behind. I wrote about her before and I did not feel the warmest of feelings for then. I was told by her in a polite but still bitchy way that I have no idea how it made her feel. I'm sure she's right... After all, I have not been in that position myself, right? Ah well, she can have her opinion and... I can't blame her for not having warm feelings for me anymore. Looks a lot like how I didn't feel that nice to her anymore a while back. I just hope Mistress will be able to keep her as a good friend because I know that means a lot to her. I will not be able to have that with her as long as she is like that. Again... I don't blame her for it at all. I just hope she will give herself and Mistress a chance as friends which will be a lot easier when we would be able to talk without jumping at each other's throat.

Enough about that for now. Eyes back on the future with Mistress. We rented the northern plot to my Maze of Sadism. Even if it was for a while indeed MY maze, the initial idea was of Miss and I together. The initial maze was set up by us both. All I did was rebuild it when we split up. I consider Mistress as much owner of the maze as I am though. This means we have decided to let the maze exist how it is and for now live together in our small skybox hovering 500 meters above it.

At ground level we want to make something else that we are not entirely sure of yet. Kind of a home? Perhaps a dancefloor we used to have in the past to use with friends? We will talk about the style we want there later so we both get the place we will feel at home with again. I'm sure we will make a nice mix of things we buy and things I will make myself. Again with Mistress being the captain and with me steering in all the directions given by her, and probably a few that she did not give... chuckles.

Then one last thing I noticed about myself after spending time with Miss Diomita and her family... I am able to accept more restrictions and am more submissive than I was able to in the past for Mistress. So we kinda wondered how it is possible that I was able to slide down deeper in a few months with Miss Diomita than in a few years with Mistress before. Perhaps I was too assured of Mistress' love for me? Perhaps we were both not serious enough about who is in charge? Or perhaps we simply felt well with each other and there was no need for more than that? Whatever it may be... Mistress thankfully accepts my new state of mind and makes use of it. I can feel myself easily sliding down deeper than I did before.

To be continued soon...


14 December 2011

Not the expected "New Beginning"

Sometimes, something happens that you have not foreseen. Something that will seemingly have only losers. You have to force yourself to face the reality that whatever you will say or do... there is no way that you will be able not to hurt at least someone and perhaps a whole lot of people you have a deep respect for.

My trial to be allowed into Miss Diomita's and MsJenny's world started last Sunday, December 11 2011. I  knew I would be able to pass any trial even if it would take me weeks. I have been very patient, didn't want to hurry into something, especially since in the past I thought to be over my previous Mistress and I was proven wrong. So I took the time to be absolutely sure this would not happen again before I would allow myself to emerge myself in a new world. I put myself in the mood for my trial the days before it and made myself up for a time of getting to know people and some serious self reflection.

I couldn't imagine anything from my side that would prevent me from becoming part of the family anymore so I saw it more as being tested by Miss Dio than me testing her and her family. I met my previous Mistress the Saturday before my trial, and some more on that Sunday. I told her excited that I would finally have a new place too, like she had found months before.

So we talked, she congratulated me and would not have put anything in my way to my new found happiness. Her understanding, her calm friendliness and my openness caused something we both had not foreseen though. We saw each other how we did in the past and in our best times. We saw the woman in each other that we came to love so much. A love like I never felt before for anybody else.

But... she has Her girl and I was about to become someone else's.

Naked, bound in my capsule
So my trial started. I went into my capsule naked, still eager but also with a feeling of being lost, detached from my reality. I wondered: Why oh why is Miss Minihai able to shake my world by simply talking with me? We did not see each other face to face the next days as I was trapped inside my capsule but we had a lot of contact anyway and the more we wrote each other, the harder it was to ignore that  I was wrong in thinking I was over her.

Yes, my trial had me self reflecting. Not how I imagined it though! Eventually I was no longer able to deny that I still love Miss Minihai. I am sure Her feelings are the same and she feels as lost as I do. She will have to tell her present sub that she can no longer be her number one, risking to lose her friendship like I put mine on the line.

In a description that Miss Diomita gave of me she says that I'm perhaps not as adventurous as someone else she knows. That whole entry in her blog shows a deep insight of me as there is nothing wrong in it. especially because she wrote after that adventurous part: (well I might revise that estimation who knows). I knew she would eventually have to revise that. I was in no hurry to prove it and certainly not how I do now because I came to the following conclusion:

"I much prefer to go into any unsure, perhaps unstable future with Miss Minihai than in any other future without her".

So here I go... Diving down in the deep once more. I give up a future that I know I would have been happy with. I replace it with a future I hope to be even happier with.

Problem with diving down suddenly is that you don't always have a chance to warn people to let go in time. Yes, I had to tell Miss Dio that I would not be one of her girls after all. I knew I would hurt her with it. Hell, I hurt myself with it and feel guilty for entering that capsule and even start my trial. It does not stop me from chasing my dreams though. One of those dreams is Miss Minihai.

Even if Miss Diomita did not tell me this... I know She thinks that I will only be hurt and I would have been better of with Her and Her family. Who knows? She might be right. I know my future is a lot more uncertain with the path I have chosen now. Yes, I might be hurt lots and lots. I might hurt Miss Minihai lots and lots. And that AFTER hurting others to make this even possible. Why do I choose this much steeper path then?

"I can not live without everything or nothing".

I thought I had nothing anymore and moved on. Then suddenly everything presents itself and I'm lost. I need to chase it. Not doing that would make me bitter after a while.

I know I can never make up for the hurt we leave behind us. I can apologise a thousand times. It will not change it though. It happened. The least I will always have is fond memories and a deep respect for Miss Diomita and the woman operating in the background. A woman with a lot more strength than you could see at first glance perhaps: MsJenny.

Ending this with a smile and a tear...


8 December 2011

Building up Towards my Trial

Definition of TRIAL:
A test of faith, patience, or stamina through subjection to suffering or temptation

Sunday evening my trial will start. I have been informed and asked by Miss to prepare myself for it.

So... how do you prepare yourself for "suffering" and/or "temptation"? Of course that might be different for everybody. Question is: What will be truly tested here?
  • faith?
  • patience?
  • stamina?
Let's start with faith:
"Faith", closely related to "Believe", starts where knowing ends. I am not very well known for believing blindly what I don't know. So one could say I have very little faith in almost everything. On the other hand. There are lots of things I believe that I don't abolutely know anyway. So how does that compare to that "not believing blindly"?
Simple answer to this: "I'm not blind for circumstances that make it very likely that something you don't absolutely know, can still be true"! So will I have faith in Miss, the family and that I will pass my trial?
To me this has not so much to do with faith. I know myself... and right now I'm determined to pass it. When I'm truly determined to pass something, then I will! My stubborn head will prevent me from ever giving up!

Then patience:
Patience is something I am really not well known for. Look at my previous entry about RLV-traps and you know my patience very easily runs thin. So this will be my weak spot then in my trial? True! Without doubt I will feel my patience fading after a while. So then why do I know I will pass this part of my trial? Well, again there is something stronger than fading patience and that is again my stubborn head. What now: "Patience running thin? Fuck patience and pass that trial"!

Then finally stamina:
Where I might not have all that much faith and patience... There is something I have in abundance and that is stamina. I have often been accused of having a stubborn head and that if I have an idea... that it is for sure in my head and not in my butt. Where others might give up because they don't see a possibility anymore to finish something, I might look at things again from a whole new perspective and continue. Often succeeding in something that was not considered to be possible. Do I never fail then? Sure I do. Often enough even! But not after doing all I could to succeed. If I fail in the end anyway and people point to say: "See? Told you so!", I simply admit that I was wrong but... feel satisfied I did it my way anyway.

Faith, Patience and Stamina.. Either one can rule more or less over the two others.
  • If you have 100% faith then you don't need patience or stamina. You know after all that it will be ok in the end.
  • If you have 100% patience then it's not important if you have faith or stamina. You will simply sit it out endlessly if needed and will get there that way.
  • If you have 100% stamina though, it might not always be enough. You can do whatever you want but if it is impossible to do then you will not get there. Then again... That is true for Patience and Faith too. But.. someone with unlimited stamina will never give up, no matter how she feels, and whether or not she believes it will have a positive ending.
So in my case stamina, faith in myself and my stubborn head will make it look like I have almost unlimited patience. This is not said to provoke or to ridicule my trial. It's just to show how I stand in it: "I don't believe it is an impossible task, so I will find a way to pull through".

The next entry will probably be during my trial and we can see if I will regret my words today then.


6 December 2011

RLV Trapping-devices

An RLV trapping-device is and object that traps someone wearing a relay that responds to the objects request to trap you on it. Technically it might strip you and/or make it impossible to used certain functions of your viewer. For the one on such a device it can either enhance or totally ruin their fun. This depends on how it is used:

  1. It's used to enhance roleplay or a scene. Someone roleplays putting you on that device and then uses the trap-function to actually put you on it.

    This is the nicest possible way. Even if it kinda ruins a scene when I had something else in mind. I can after all decide to fight back and not to acknowledge that it is that easy to get me on it. If you have an open relay though, that possibility is taken from you. Still.. of all the ways to use it, this is by far the best, as it is used during a scene and does not disrupt it too much. You can counter this by not wearing an open relay and instead have it always ask whether you want to allow that item to capture you or not. So... used with responsibility, this can very much enhance a scene. Regretfully you can not deny your owner so it's always a difficult point on when to us it or not. If used too early it might ruin the scene. A good way, is to wait till the victim acknowledges she will be caught and then capture her.

  2. You walk or stand with someone and without warning you suddenly find yourself on an object without any warning and without any build up to that point.

    This is a lot less nice. You wonder what the heck happened as you are suddenly forced on that device whether you feel like or not... Suddenly you are in a scene that you might not be ready for at all. Often that would be kinda OK if it is with people you trust (your owner for instance). It's still not my favourite way though. What is with simply telling me to stand there and allow myself to be tied up? I'm owned after all and if I decide to agree to allow someone to tie me up it shows a lot more power over me than simply putting me on it by a technical device.

    You can counter this by again having it ask if you want to be trapped or not. But... it's still boring to have to click: "No, I really don't want this now". And what's more... You are again not allowed to deny your owner that.
  3. There are devices that auto-capture you. You walk too close to a certain device and suddenly it

    grabs you and before you know it you are stripped, forced in mouselook and have to wait for an unknown period... unattended... idling... staring at an empty sim till someone accidentally walks in who might or might not be interested in playing with you or even releasing you when lucky.

    This kind of devices I thoroughly hate. Who would for instance allow themselves to be tied up and stripped by a Lamp Post? It seems totally silly to me that a device like that is able to grab me and force me to stay on it for an unknown time. Sure... you can struggle and kick and tug while you're on there and you might even succeed on escaping that way after lots and lots of hours. My point is: Something technical is used to ruin my online time.

    As soon as I find myself trapped like that, with no means to escape. RLV is turned off, which requires a restart so I can finally get off that darned thing. Then I need to restart to enable RLV again. Finally if you're unlucky... as soon as you have RLV enabled again, You will be trapped immediately again. SO.. logging off to disable it. TP somewhere else, log off to enable it and after 15 minutes of cursing at stupid technical things that ruin your Second Life. You go somewhere else without those traps.

The offending post

Sounds far-fetched? It happened to me yesterday! Regretfully on family land. This is the drawback of wearing a relay that responds to your owner. The object that traps you belongs to your owner and therefore your relay does not give you a choice to deny it. Some would call it "cheating" to get off a device like that by relogging. I counter that by "It's cheating to have a script trap me in the first place, so why should I care if I cheat in return"?
I can't blame Miss for having those kind of devices on her land. She has another view on this than I and... there's plenty of girls around that totally enjoy being trapped like that and have their interaction with the world revoked for some time... I just don't happen to be one of those. For the time being I disabled my relay till I am ordered to temporarily enable it again for some reason.

Love, Kyla

5 December 2011

A New Beginning

A bit different than usual but still... a new beginning indeed. My previous Mistress, for what reason it may be, decided last summer after well over 3 years that she had enough of me.

Feeling lost then? You bet! You see her walking with her new girl... A few times I even got an invite to join them. Invites I could obviously not accept. I will never allow myself to feel the 5th wheel on a car. It's utterly useless unless it is the steering wheel, which I have no need of being anyway.

So no, I thanked resprectfully and fought hard to keep somewhat of a friendship with her. This turned out to be difficult enough! Emotions are hard to control and when you see her with the "bitch" she has now (a really nice girl BTW... but a girl I simply am not capable of anymore to have any warm feelings for) then You feel lost once more and you rather tell her to get lost than to keep warm friendships.

Then there comes a day, some months ago by now already, that you meet someone new. A mature and intelligent woman... Not afraid to come out for what she is and how she feels like. A woman that shows her interest in you but is in absolute no hurry to make you hers, even if she suggests that it might be a possibility if I would so desire.

At the time I met her, I was not yet over my previous Mistress. Then again... my previous Mistress makes work of her new girl and a relative stranger makes work of me. The result of what that does to my feelings is not hard to guess: I feel no longer the need to fight my previous Mistress, simply because I have a new way to direct my energy... this time in a positive way. So.... I'm no longer mad at her. The bitter feelings fade to the background more and more. Instead I concentrate and look forward to be with my new family.

A family? But... You were always exclusive before with your Mistress? Yes, I was! And it enabled me to have deep feelings for her. Without doubt deeper in a certain timeframe. But... does that mean I should simply let a very good thing pass on me because I did something different in the past? I don't think so!

Miss Diomita, closely followed by her slave and wife MsJenny is head of a large family. People who would see her walk around with some or all of her subs at the same time might think she is a collector. Had I seen it half a year ago, I would probably have been one of those. This is one of the reasons I took a lot of time before asking to be allowed into her family. Since then a whole new world opened up for me. Everybody is warm and friendly. They stick together like glue and do their very best to help a new girl feel at ease.

I talk about "they" and "them"... Understandable as I am not a full member of the family yet. So... still an outsider but already feeling part of the family because I'm gently pulled in more and more.

Yesterday, Miss told me that she considers me ready for my trial. I read a lot about it in Miss' blog. It's something I would usually feel very concerned about. I have to prove myself to the family that I have dedication by allowing myself to be locked up during an unknown period. What I failed to see till only recently, is that it is not only a means to prove myself to my new family, it is also a way for them to prove themselves to me. If nobody would care to interact with me during that period or basically: "If I would not feel appreciated"... then I can just as well say: "No, this will not work".

Love always comes from more than one side. If it comes only from one side then that love soon fades. The family is not fading at all though. So... they must do something right! And I have the feeling more and more that I know what it is. The reason without doubt that Miss trusts me to have my trial-period soon.

My first listing ended up a lot longer than usual... There's a lot more to tell as my thoughts fly all over the place. I think for a first post in my new diary, this will have to do though. I look forward to add more to this

Love, Kyla